I Wish to Say

“And clearly it's not easy, but the challenge is an art - sharing who you are, and the person you want to be.. without building a mirage for the other person to see.”

True Self, 2014 //iridescent_poet//

It's strange I guess. How people always tell me I'm so real or so honest when for the most part I find myself hiding. Well, hiding but not lying either. Raw intrigues me. Self expression brings me joy and I don't just mean my own but that of others too.

John 4:22‭-‬23 MSG (excerpt)

“It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.”

This has probably been one of the most pivotal passages of scripture in my life. The reality that all God asks for is me. Not some idealized version, not some horrid misconception, but just me. Just me as simply and as honestly as I can muster.

And in return? The most epic of exchanges. I, we, get Him. The Creator of the entire universe willing to display to us, with us and through us who He really is; Himself.

And sure of course there is way more depth to this. For instance the most significant event of all humankind; the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, but let's stick to the basics for now and what this great sacrifice has brought about.

Relationship.

The only relationship that can truly satisfy and make us whole. To enter into this relationship is to be both fully exposed and fully loved. Because real love does not cling to the good bits of who you are, it doesn't just harp on your failures; no. Real love sees every inch of you in all your sin, mess and madness, joys and fears and yet… yet truly loves to the point of bringing you into eternity with Himself if you'll but hope. Hope in the sufficiency of His love for you rather than seek and search for a billion different things that can never fill the God sized hole inside of you.

And do you know what this takes? You coming to God as simply and honestly as you possibly can, exposing your hurt and pain that which you've inflicted and that which you've received saying; “Here … this is me.” And you will be more than surprised to meet a Savior who is both ready and willing to pull you into His love but also challenge and teach you to walk in the ways and purposes you were made to.

Anyway… I can get carried away. I mean it is the most important thing in the world to me. But I dunno. I guess what I'm leaving here is my grappling with the concept in terms of human relationships. I need to learn to shout my scars when people want to paint me with a brush of a perfection that belongs to Christ and Christ alone. And who knows maybe you'll learn something about me? But I hope more so you are challenged to grapple with some of your own honesty, and just take it before Jesus as an offering of friendship and worship. And maybe, just maybe you'll be more willing to extend some grace toward others along the way.

Matthew 5:16 MSG (excerpt)

By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

That Pedestal

Your eyes glance over at me.

Your shoulders, they shrug at all my objections,

But actually, you ignore what I'd honestly call my depth.

You take my protests of, “I'm broken.” and “I'm scared.”

As merely light hearted conversation of your already preconceived ideas.

You say to me, hands raised in what you think is praise,

“You're perfect.”

Not realising how this only pushes me further and further away.

You place me on this pedestal,

That seriously feels like a bed of nails to me.

Leaving my insides clearing their throat to dictate my thoughts

“Don’t move. Keep very very still now.

He’ll come back for you.

I mean perfection is obviously a prerequisite to loving you.

And if this is the distance at which love stands

Then this must be the closeness that you're looking for.”

If only.

If only we’d taken the time to shatter these idealistic conceptions

If only I'd shouted my objections with a little more clarity,

Paraded my perpetual scars in every one of my protests

I should’ve detailed my imperfections

Leaving room for all the gory details I shudder to mention.

If only I'd told you of my continuous battle

With lustful thoughts and prideful inclinations.

If only I'd told you that sin..

Isn't at all a been-there done-that sort of thing with me.

If only I'd told you that this

Is very definitely a journey of sanctification.

Rather than a once off stop

That I'd made before I met you.

The reality is; you could've guessed, you could actually have known

But you never looked at me.

Not the real me anyway.

You simply looked to see if I had ticked the boxes

Of the things you deemed as relevant

You never dared explore the things marked-

‘Hurt and still kinda raw’

You declared your love without any basis at all.

It wasn't me that you adored,

But rather the fantasy that you envisioned me to be.

And the closeness that I long for,

You honestly couldn't give it to me.

If you ever climbed up to this pedestal

That you, yourself had strapped me to.

Found me held down by all your expectations..

I wonder if you'd even notice.

Notice that I'm not the girl you always dreamed of

And I'm actually only me.

Just me.

Nothing more and nothing less.

The fact that you don't see this, don't want to,

Makes me think a more likely scenario

Would be your idealization knocking me right off of this seat

Falling from the pedestal you'd placed me on

Shouting all the way down

The things I wish I'd told you before now.

And it's okay, that you won't find me

Right here down to earth.

Because the love and closeness that I'm looking for

Would never ask me to stay seated on some pedestal.

He’d ask me to join him in the mess of our realities,

Dare me to see him in all the grime of life's actualities.

He’d want me to see him the way I'd always wanted any sort of love

To open its eyes to me..

And we’d rarely have moments of I wish I’d said

Because we’d purposefully detail the messes

Where we still needed to let our Saviour in.

Remember it's a journey

A journey our broken expression must

Stumble and slide and stammer into.

Over and over again.

Allowing ourselves to knock heads with the reality of all these other beings.

Just learning be.

Rather than run off in fear or cover things up with seemingly sentimental conversation.

No pampered pedestals, but aching arm's that we extend in appreciation

Lets deal with out broken

Detail our stories along this journey.

Sharing the Grace Christ has so freely given..♡

Jeanique van Blerk //iridescent_poet//